Christina

so anyway

i love him so much to the point where i tell myself i need to stop seeing him. he drives me crazy. i think hes amazing and i have no idea if he even really cares. he never says anything. i ask him how he is. he says "tired". i ask him how his day was. he says "long". i tell him i miss him. he says nothing. i think im lucky that i get to see him once a week. and thats only because he goes to the bar every friday. if i didnt go there i wouldnt see him ever. i know hes busy. i know hes got a lot going on. but i just wish in his list of things to do, seeing me was one of them.

i hate home now. i need to move but i cant.
i could move back in with my mom but i wouldnt be able to get to work and i would be almost an hour away from him. were only 20 min apart but it feels like a thousand miles. so anymore and i might as well be in japan.



i want to move to england and i want him to come with me.



i dont think he would

and if he went i dont think id be invited.


people at the bar make me want to stab a small child. i cant believe how stupid people are. especially people i thought were ok. you learned in school that if a man and a women have sex then they can make a maybe. if you have sex you better be ready to have a baby. and if you arent ready or you arent financially able to then fucking do it the right way. dont drink it away. all you are going to get is a retarded baby. and youll feel like shit no matter what.

yeah it sucks if you dont want it but just think about me. and how much you suck by being selfish.

and it kills me

i hate drunk people.

four times tonight i ran into people who should at least recognize me. if not by name or circumstance but at least by the fact that i work there.

but everytime i was stared at like they never saw me before. like it was the first time i had ever stepped foot in that bar.

im not mad. it just feels weird how nonimpressive i am.











no one knows what color my eyes are.

and no one remembers me

im not sure if its a good thing or bad thing

im leaning towards not so good

welcome back to the crazy life of christina.

its been awhile


letter to a dear friend:

dear youknowwhoyourlameassis,

all night long i listened to the facts about how

im too good to be treated the way i am
if "i was your boyfriend..."
i dont understand why...
didnt mean to be an asshole


YES YOU DID

trying to learn to speak your mind? thats all youve been doing for the past six years.

telling me why what you think is what i should believe.


even when you apologized to me you still were playing the devils advocate
(at least thats what you call it)

basically

what i was trying to tell you before we were interrupted (many times)
is that i love you. i will always love you. i loved you since the very first day we hung out, barnes and noble... driving around....playground et al.
after a while i began to realize something - its not gonna happen
kept hoping, kept thinking
but youve been constant you always seem so happy, or at least secure (btw youre lucky im not your gf, i wouldve kicked my ass by now, that stupid..., anyway) and ive been trying to find an ok. not trying to be happy but just ok. and when i ask you to be my friend and help me get there you cant get your cock outta your face


all the nice things you said
didnt mean shit
all the things you say now
dont mean shit
and for the last six years ive been giving up on us.
not calling, not answering.
theres a reason:
hoping we can give up on each other because i know what i want isnt what you want

but its hard to do. to give up on you

ever since i met you ive been trying to find somebody like you because i cant have you,
i just cant . . . you are too comfortable
and sometimes when i really think about it its better this way


you dont physically ruin my relationships its the fact that you emotionally do (not on purpose) but you unconsciously sabotage them. you did it tonight


ive never met anyone i can talk to like you just sit and be with like you

and as soon as i come close -instead of being happy you have to point out every flaw-

BUT
i found someone

hes not perfect
but
at least i look forward to seeing him, at least i cherish every moment with him, at least i dont go out every night trying to get away from him.

for once im happy without you
and you are happy to ruin my happiness
to make yourself ok.

true love, soul mates, whatever you want to call us...
fuck buddies that dont fuck

you constantly tell me who doesnt deserve me

you dont deserve me either








































fuck you




imj

Holy hectic.

"oh my god its phagocytosis!"

Wow, I've never been so disappointed in my life...

Thank goodness for the amazing people in my life that made it better.

And i want to live in ike's mom's house
it's beautiful and from the 20's and huge and old
and the stove is from the 20's and still works and the tub is from the 20's and still works and the lights are all from the 20's and they still work and if he moves in there i;m going to move in there with him.
April... only a few months away and if everything works out I may have a new mailing address

Taco Bell is delicious

And i'm so dissapointed in the fact that the benjamins reunion show is 21 and up
i hate it!!!!!!

My little brother broke his arm in half today.
Severed his ulna and his radius completely. His lower arm and wrist are at a 30 degree angle from where they're suposed to be.

When i found out, I rushed to the hospital as quicly as a i could and sat in the room with him for an hour and a half. He was so brave. He didnt cry or let on too much that he hurt. He just had this strong look on his face. I could tell it must of hurt badly, it was swollen twice the size it should have been and was the sickest hue of teal i've ever seen. The veins were bulging in his wrist and his fingers were numb and yellow. But he just sat there quietly, silent and brave.

I'm so proud of him. He was just like a little man. He was scared, I knew it. But he was so brave.

I took a test.
It's pretty frickin accurate.

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 8/10
Giver: 8/10


You are a XPYG--Expressive Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a Roving Spouse.

You are magnetic, charming, and impossible to resist. You have no problem with approaching your target sex -- it just comes naturally to you, and the thrill of warming up a stranger is one of your great drives. Still, very few people really know you. You don't just *feel* misunderstood -- you are. You are probably nursing a heartache that you never let on.

You're calm in a conflict (almost *too* calm -- a more emotional partner may wonder why you're not more engaged) and quick with affection. Fighting makes you uncomfortable, but as you avoid direct conflict your frustrations can manifest in the cold shoulder and passive-aggression, which is no better! Still, you make a loving, doting parent -- giving more love than discipline -- and your children prefer you.

Like an XSYG, you put so much thought and effort in what you give to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. You also give and think so much that you can also talk yourself into cheating -- physically or emotionally -- and this can lead a cycle of conflict, guilt, conflict-avoidance, chilly atmosphere and then more cheating. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

You've got to open up! You express and give so much of yourself in other ways -- don't be afraid to express what's bothering you.

I'm only being so hard on you because you remind me of me.

Of the 161072 people who have taken this quiz, 10.6 % are this type.


And i would just like to recommend anyone in need of any type of greeting card should check out the selection at Target, just one more reason that store kicks ass.
We Have To Pee!

so i haven't had an entry with any substance for a while and sitting her in my cold basement with a stomach ache seems like good enough motive to do so now. There have been some really wildly amazing things that happened to me this past week.

I'm so glad that I have John at work. He's the only one there who's really taken the time to know me and he appreciates me and looks out for me and it's sort of comforting knowing that if i ever have a problem he wouldn't hesitate to help.

And me and Ike are talking again. I know he's a world of trouble romantically but I learned my lesson the first time and I won't let it go to the point it was at before. It's amazing though because even after not speaking for over a month and a half, we pick up the phone and talk as if we did it everyday. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am to have him in my life. He's an amazing soul and I'm so lucky to have him as a friend and confidant.

It's amazing how many aspects of my life are taking a turn for the better. Things with my dad and my step-mom are amazing. We used to fight all the time and not see each other or talk for months and now its terrific. I go over there at least once a week for dinner if not more and we plan things to do all the time. It's crazy to have these wonderful people in my life for so long and never really realize how lucky I am to be family with them. Hailey's amazing, she's so smart and talented, she can play Mozart on her keyboard after only a short time with lessons. AJ's already reading and he draws the most intricate pictures.

And I was amazed at how many random people that i saw this Thanksgiving break knew i was getting kicked out of my house, especially because I didn't tell anyone I just wrote about it in this livejournal, so whoever reads this your new gossip mission is to go tell everyone that you told the first thing to, that I am not currently being forced to move out, but will be leaving Greendale in the early summer. It's unfotunate I can't leave any sooner. Everything is cleared up. It's funny how I never really experienced the "high school" gossip until i left the high school.

I got accepted into the pharmacy tech program at MATC. I know it's not the most prestigious school ever but i'm totally excited to start classes. I just have to go to the orientation and register for my classes and I'm on my way! It's so odd for me to start having the five year plan thing. and it's crazy. I can't wait till next December when i look back and see how much has changed in my life.

If anyone is still reading this babble I'm wholly impressed. It tool a long time to type so I can only imagine thew time wasted on reading such random current events from my life.

It's funny. My birthday is on friday and I simply can't wait for it to be over with. I think the is a certain point in your life where you just give up on having an awesome birthday. I think I gave up around the age of 12. It seems so pointless. It's not a milestone it's a number. It's not even my very own special day. Hell I have to share it with Ozzy Osbourne.

But in conclusion: All aspects of my life seem to be running smoothly and in a positive direction. I finally feel like my life is coming together. It really is an impressive feeling.

so I experienced greendale to the full effect this weekend

i can't wait to get out of this place

So this weekend was amazing wonderful. I highly doubt that I've ever had so much fun not doing anything. Friday I watched American History X again and it was really good again, but unfortunately it didn't have the same impact on me as it did the first time... Then Sat i woke up around 11-ish and bought taco bell for lunch and watched Bottlerocket, wes anderson's first film, it was really good and really funny. I love that type of sarcastic humor. Then I did a little shopping. Experienced a transvesetite in disco gear and played san andreas till the wee hours of the morning. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until 2-ish for personal reasons :) and then i showered, got ice cream, went to my dad's house for dinner, watched the packer game and did a little studying for bio. and now I'm here getting ready to play san andreas again and beat some cops with a purple double-sided dildo.

Life doesn't get much better than this.

And I heard on the news deer hunters got shot by an angry man and laughed at the irony.

Last night I was stopped at an intersection and a rusty white pick up pulled next to me at the light. I looked over and the entire rear of the truck was full of blue plastic shopping bags completely filled with garbage. I could see a pleathora of fast food wrappers and old news papers and milk jugs and banana peels. When I looked into the passenger side window to get a look at what type of person would be driving such a car, I was only confronted with more refuse. The passenger seat, much like the back of the vehicle, was loaded with garbage. But instead of being in neat little blue bags, this interior trash was simply piled high onto the seat and crammed up against the window, suggesting that the entirty of the cab was also packed with it. As the light turned green and the truck made a left turn I thought to myself, "Where could this man possibly be going with his unfavorable cargo?"


I guess I'll never know.

at least my parents are nice enough to give me two months to find a new place to live instead of just throwing me out right away.

nice two months full of bitter distain - just what i need right now.

it was bound to happen

I'd fall apart if it wasn't for some things




Work is slow.
John's new nick name is glitters.

So I went to the greenday concert.

It was the best hing that's ever happened in my whole entire exsistence. I kept hoping today that somehow i would spontaniously combust because i know that nothing can ever top that. Except actually meeting the band, but thats not likely, at least not any time soon.

My favorite things about it:
1. The FUCKING HUGE pillars of fire
2. The Pink Bunny
3. "They say this song is anti-American, it's not. It's anti-wwwwaaaaaarrrrrrr!!!"
4. Brain Stew
5. Masturbation
6. The boy who Billy Joe kissed/his awesome guitar solo (the boy's)
7. Jazz Hands
8. Shout
9. Stupid bitches that had back stage passes
10. The Chinese man that sucked at basketball
11. The seats
12. Tounges
13. "Fuck it, We're gonna keep playing. Wanna hear some really old shit?"
14. The confetti
15. The pretty pink hat and boa combo
16. oh yeah, sugar cult was awesome too
17. Seeing Sara K for the first time in a billion years (her hair is cute!)
18. Me looking cute
19. Billy Joe looking hot even though he's way too old for me and has a wife and kids and messed up teeth. sweetie, lets go to the dentist together
20. His voice
21. Tight pants
22. The impropmtu band
23. "hey" "hey"
24. Mallory Feldman crying
25. Pleasure trail
26. Red & black striped socks
27. Strobe Lights
28. The YMCA
29. "I said hhhheeeeeyyyyyaaaaaaa"
30. "hhhheeeeeyyyyyaaaaaaa"
31. thing blowing up all over
32. Why are all lead singers short?
33. Mike's hair is poofy
34. Me sleeping through New Found Glory
35. and watching the roadies play basketball
36. The amoeba in the audience
37. The 'getting out of the parking structure' move
38. Boobs on the verizon screen
39. Seeing the boy mary wants to mount in a red plaid blazer
40. Me freaking out along with 10000000000 other people
41. "Hey guys, free beer! I'll fill you up for a dollar!"
42. Seeing ryan hand - again
43. tattoos
44. King for a day
45. The microphone stand guitar trick to waste time and hurt my ears
46. Waking up and not being able to talk
47. Or stop smiling
48. Longview
49. orange and green and red all at the same time
50. he giant disco ball
51. The bumble bee
52. wishing i was the boy who did the guitar for more than one reason ;)

ok it was awesome

i can die now

John doesn't call me anymore

Thirteen random things you like
01) Diet pepsi
02) Happy Tree Friends
03) Green Day
04) Sleeping on the floor
05) My car
06) Gloria
07) Buying Random greeting cards
08) Target
09) Dogs
10) Grand Theft Auto San Andreas
11) Purple nail polish
12) Italian Food
13) Provolone Cheese on toast

Twelve movies
01) Saw
02) Happy Gilmore
03) The Royal Tennebaums
04) Office Space
05) The Usual Suspects
06) The Dark Crystal
07) Seven
08) Fight Club
09) American History X
10) Parody Movie 2
11) Donnie Darko
12)

Eleven good bands/artists
01) Green Day
02) Beck
03) Fall Out Boy
04) Eighty-D
05) Lucky Boys Confusion
06) The Ataris
07) Jimmy Eat World
08) Dashboard Confessional
09) Engine Down
10) Fonzie
11) Peter Rothbardt

Ten things about you ... physically
01) Brown hair
02) Brown eyes
03) big boobs
04) size 7.5 shoe
05) 5'4
06) big butt
07) perfectly straight teeth
08) purple finger nails
09) pink toe nails
10) freezing cold right now

Nine good friends
01) Peter
02) Ike
03) Beau
04) Paula
05) Angela
06) Kristi
07) Eleni
08) Sara
09) John

Eight favorite foods/drinks
01) cheese
02) cookies
03) pizza
04) mashes potatoes
05) Stuffed green peppers
06) blueberry pie
07) apples
08) beer

Seven things you wear daily
01) bra
02) shirt
03) jeans
04) underwear
05) contacts
06) socks
07) a smile

Six things that annoy you
01) people who don't use their blinkers
02) hypocrytes
03) people who are afraid of bees
04) my broken knee
05) my skin cancer - it itches
06) susie

Five things you touch everyday
01) my phone
02) my car
03) the 'cd' button on my radio
04) fish food
05) diet pepsi

Four shows you watch
01) the oc
02) family guy
03) tough crowd with collin quinn
04) the daily show

Three celebrities you have a crush on
01) Jake Gyllenhaal
02) Collin Farrel
03) Brad Pitt

Two people on LJ you have kissed
01) Holli
02) Bryan

One person you could spend the rest of your life with:
01) erick :o)

10 BANDS/GROUPS/ARTIST YOU HAVE SEEN LIVE
10) Lucky Boys Confusion
9) Taking Back Sunday
8) Fall Out Boy
7) The Killers
6) Dashboard Confessional
5) Violent Femmes
4) Jimmy Eat World
3) Allister
2) Plain White T's
1) And, of course, 98 degrees, and arron carter

09 THINGS YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO
9) Breakfast in Canada
8) Dancing In the rain
7) California
6) The New Season of the OC
5) Being a crotchedy old lady
4) Tomorrow
3) Renting Grand Theft Auto this weekend and playing it for 36 hours straight
2) Flying a kite at night
1) School

08 THINGS YOU WEAR EVERYDAY
8) pants
7) my race car belt
6) my new shoes
5) socks
4) underpants
3) bra
2) some type of shirt
1) smile :)

07 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU
7) hypocrites
6) people who don't use their turn signals
5) ghetto people
4) people who talk during the oc
3) bad music on every radio station
2) greendale
1) the weird noise my computer makes

06 THINGS YOU TOUCH DAILY
6) my car
5) cell phone
4) food
3) my radio
2) the keyboard
1) toothbrush

05 THINGS YOU DO EVERYDAY
5) talk online
4) sleep
3) drive
2) pretend everythings ok
1) listen to music

04 PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH
4) Beau
3) Sara at work (at least 4-9 hours every weekday)
2) My little little brother
1) my mom

03 MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH AGAIN AND AGAIN
3) Happy Gilmore
2) Dude, Where's my car?
1) Van Wilder

02 FAVORITE SONGS OF THE MOMENT
2) Jimmy Eat World "Pain"
1) Green Day "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

it just came to my attention what a crazy life-altering month this has been and what a crazy life altering month november will be too, I like it a lot I hope that every month will be like this where I can't wait till next month to come because everything is looking so positive for my future right now.
And yes I admit, I am blocking certain things from my thought processes right now, like the stress of getting a loan, paying the family;s car insurance, and moving out sometime in the pretty near future.
All big things that I should be really worried about but for some reason it feels like everything will finally work out ok.
Next plan of action - here I come.

So i haven't updated in a while theres a lot new with me.

Things are changing all around me and it feels so good. I finally have a life plan and i'm moving ina foward direction, i may get out of this town sooner than i had hoped. But then again maybe i really don't want to leave, I'm starting to find more and more reasons not to run away, or in any case not run so far away that I can't come back.

I'm gonna be a pharmacist and make a bitch load (which I'm told is alot in Ike speech)of money and then i can travel and buy things that I want and not have to pretend I can afford them.

The thrill of pharmacy is kinda cool, because I know no matter where I end up there's always gonna be a need for pharmamcists and I can pick up and move to a new place and not have to worry about having a job. Its a pretty fucked up way at looking at it, but it facillitates my desire to be anywhere but where I am. And yesterday I really did think about moving to Kentucky. I thought it would be fun, you never know I still might. But not until i finish school.

Johns grandpa died the other day and i haven't talked to him. I hope he's ok. I just hope he's alright because i know he's really sensitive towards other people's emotions, He's one of those guys that will cry if everyone else is crying around him, even if he doesn't know why.

Ginger today told me "You better stop walking alone in the ghetto at night"

and for some reason i thought about the fact that i never have walked in the "bad part of town" at night alone before
and all i could say is
"what the fuck"

so i told her i'd stop

and things are moving a long and, unfortunately i think they are becaoming trivial, which is really what i wished and wished and wished wouldn't happen, and i knew it would, but i still hoped it wouldn't

so I don't know what to do. I hate this whole "institution"
FUCK IT

I liked it better when we could talk and not have to fill the empty silences with what we thought was appropriate

small talk sucks

And my family hates me, but thats nothing new. I like how everyday my mom thinks of new ways to pretend i don;t live here. it's funny.
I don't know why i even stay anymore. It's not like anyone wants me here other to give jason rides or to watch the kids. When's the last time any one asked me what i wanted for supper? when's the last time I even ate supper with them? When's the last time I saw my step dad and my mom in the same room?

I apologize for all this it's getting late and I'm going insane

Oh and another wonderful tidbit to add... I think i have skin cancer, no lies. I have to go to the doctor but I don't have health insurance yet
so i have to pretend it doesnt exist for about a month
i hope i don't die before that

You know when you think things are gonna change?

You can almost feel it?

And for a breif moment things seem as if they'll never be the same again?

And then somehow nothing changes, maybe it's a new situation, but everything's the same as before?

That's how it's been for the last 14 months, and could be for the next 14 if i let it

but

I won't let you do that to me anymore.
I won't let you play this game with me anymore.


And it's only your fault.

















*fyi - I stole mary's single quotes for the title*

Apparently the only things I'm good at are spelling my name and fucking up.

Everytime I try to be happy I end up ruining everything.

Everytime

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry Mary, I'm sorry Beau, I'm sorry Peter, I'm sorry Deanna, I'm sorry Sarah, I'm sorry Ike, I'm sorry John, I'm sorry Bryan, and I'm sorry Bryan #2, I'm sorry Stephanie, JB, Matt, boy with the Taxi Driver mohawk, I'm sorry Amanda, I'm sorry Brad, I'm sorry Mom, Dad, Sharon and Curt, Tom, Ryan, Angela, and I'm sorry to all those other people I've fucked things up for too. I know there's a lot more.

I deserve to be hated.
I'm an awful person, and it's a proven fact now.